It's time to debunk some myths about self-compassion - Part 2

“Compassion is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering”

 Take a moment to notice how in this quote, Brené Brown takes care to say ‘treat ourselves and others’, and puts ourselves first.  This is not an accident.  Compassion must include and begin with self-compassion. It’s necessary to include ourselves in the circle of compassion that we consciously recreate through practice on a daily basis.

 Brené goes on to say “Compassion is fuelled by understanding and accepting that we’re all made of strength and struggle – no one is immune to pain or suffering.  Compassion is not a practice of “better than” or “I can fix you” – it’s a practice based in the beauty and pain of shared humanity”.  Compassion is a practice of connection.

 In part 1 of this blog post, we looked at some of the common objections held about self-compassion: that it’s self-indulgent, lazy or passive and that it’s about letting ourselves off the hook.  If you didn’t catch part one, you might want to click here to read that part first – and also in doing so learn a lot more about me and my journey into self-compassion.

 Here, in part 2, we continue the critique of the common objections and take a closer look at self-compassion – the three elements that comprise it.  We will also look at the reason why conscious cultivation of self-compassion increases our capacity for compassion for others and in doing so, supercharges our ability to be effective social change agents.

 One of the most stubborn obstacles to self-compassion is the entrenched belief that we need to be critical towards ourselves in order to motivate ourselves.   This raises the question – what do we mean when we say ‘be critical’?  and maybe more importantly, how does this actually show up in our behaviour – in how we treat ourselves? 

The evidence shows that for most people, self-criticism shows up internally (i.e. in how we talk to ourselves in our heads) as harsh belittling negative global self-evaluations (I’m no good, I’m useless, I can’t do this etc), rooted in shame, fear and blame; rather than a balanced fair critique of what has actually happened.  This cruel self-talk also often includes aggressive swear words I wouldn’t want to put into print.  Because of this tendency towards self-cruelty, self-criticism is on the whole not an effective motivator, it may seem effective in the short term but because usually it’s a fear-based motivation, in the long term it erodes confidence, increases fear of failure and makes us less likely to persist through challenges. 

This was definitely how I practiced self-criticism before my breakdown / spiritual awakening.  The slightest mistake would set me off on a spiral of shame and blame which would lead to a doubling down on my perfectionism and unwillingness to take risks, because it simply wasn’t safe for me to do so.  To be honest, this is still a habit that can reappear from time to time, the difference now is that I have the tools I need to be able to recognise, accept and transform that habitual response into one rooted in self-compassion.  The ability to name when I’m experiencing shame or slipping into perfectionism transforms my relationship to those experiences, so instead of being ruled by them, I recognise them and take the opportunity to inquire into what’s happening, ask myself what I need and remind myself that I am enough AND I can do better.

Self-compassion can and actually should include some self-criticism, it just makes sure it’s delivered in a supportive, kind, encouraging, constructive and healthy way. Self-compassion wants us to reach our potential and people who practice self-compassion are more likely to have higher standards, they just don’t beat themselves up when they fall short. Think of a kind supportive boss who believes in us and wants us to do our best.  Such a person would make use of constructive criticism and cultivate a relationship where it’s safe to provide such feedback and even becomes expected and appreciated.  No use of swear words there!

Looking back now at that time before my breakdown, I can see clearly that despite my best intentions to be compassionate with others, I simply didn’t have the resources I needed to be able to offer it authentically and safely.  My relationships with others were rooted in fear because that was how I related to myself and so expressions of compassion for others were learnt behaviours and often came at my own expense.  It was exhausting to continually give to others the compassion I wasn’t able to give myself and the less compassionate I felt towards others, the more guilty and ashamed I felt for not ‘feeling how I should be feeling’. My relationship to compassion was one rooted in conflict and scarcity.

Typically in such scenarios, people tend to look to others to provide the compassion they’re holding back from themselves and this is what I was doing, and to some extent still do. I count myself lucky that I worked in an organisation where people were compassionate to each other – for the most part, but this couldn’t (and can’t) be relied upon, and when things got tough, my well of compassion ran dry.  A world without compassion is a scary place.  A far more sustainable way of being for us all is to cultivate the habit of self-compassion, so that when things get tough (as they inevitably do from time to time), we are already in the habit of refilling our own well and have enough to spare for others that may be struggling.

So now lets take a closer look at self-compassion and the elements that make it up.

From research into self-compassion, Kristin Neff identified three components:

• Mindfulness – i.e. a detached perspective rather than over-identification – essentially a balanced, holistic and fair perspective and assessment of what’s going on. This is what enables us to stay with a difficult experience and not become overwhelmed. It’s also what enables us to recognise and name our difficult experiences (for example of shame and perfectionism) and relate to them with equanimity.

• Common humanity rather than isolation – recognising that this experience and uncomfortable emotion I’m suffering is part of shared human experience, it’s not just me, others have felt this way, so instead of a self-pitying ‘poor me’ which often leads to shaming and blaming, we recognise this is hard for all of us. This is also about recognising the socially and culturally constructed elements that contribute towards all of our suffering – the ability to contextualise our suffering and notice it’s not all about me.  This again allows us to let go of shame and blame and realise that whilst it’s not our fault, it is our responsibility.

This element acts to dissolve boundaries between us and others (common humanity) and to remind us of our interconnectedness – the opposite of selfishness and narcissism which is another common misconception of self-compassion.

• Self-kindness rather than self-judgment – self-compassionate people recognise that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties are inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.

 So, we can see that self-compassion is not about comparing ourselves to others, it’s about relating to ourselves with kindness and courage, knowing that this is better for us in the long run.  Kristin Neff has also developed a ‘self-compassion scale’, comprising a ‘psychometrically sound and theoretically valid measure of self-compassion’, so we can actually find out how self-compassionate we are and in what areas we could improve. If you’re interested in finding out how self-compassionate you are, click here to take the test and find out and remember, with knowledge comes power and responsibility!

 Finally, it’s also a commonly held view that self-compassion is either something you have or don’t – like brown eyes.  Aren’t people simply more or less kind as part of their psychological make-up – their character?  The answer to this is both yes and no! 

 Yes people are more or less kind depending on their psychological make-up or ‘character. However, it’s also true that we can change our psychological make up and aspects of our character.  We can learn to become kinder to ourselves by simply practicing it.  Of course, it’s not quite as simple as just making a decision that we will become self-compassionate and hey presto!  Though making the decision – and a strong commitment, is the first step and an important one. 

 Habits and behaviours are often unconscious and deeply ingrained and what’s required is patience, commitment and curiosity to begin the process of replacing old (often cruel) habits with habits rooted in self-compassion.  Over the past 20 years there has been a growing interest in self-compassion as a practice and as a result, there is now an ever-expanding range of practices, tools and techniques designed to support us to cultivate an attitude, approach and habit of self-compassion. 

 There are other factors that can help us with this work and maybe the most powerful is community, the support and encouragement of those people in our lives who often see more in us that we see in ourselves.  This is certainly true for me and it’s impossible for me to adequately express the gratitude I feel for all those wonderful people in my life who have and continue to support, encourage, challenge and inspire me to keep on keeping on (you know who you are – and if you don’t I’ll be reminding you anyway!).  

Interesting that the feeling and willingness to express gratitude is a quality fundamental to self-compassion and one that grows as we cultivate it. 

My decision to quit my job in 2019 without another job to go into, was one not taken lightly or easily and it was an essential step for me to take so that I could have the space to slow down, face my fears, let go of expectations of perfectionism and find out what it is I actually need.  It was a step into the unknown and in the process, I found my courage through being courageous, through my willingness to own and engage with my vulnerability.

A key aspect of self-compassion is to accept myself just as I am.  Often this is perceived as a barrier to growth and change.  If I am ok just as I am, why should I want to change? 

Carl Rogers spoke to this when he said:

“the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”

 It’s the feeling and intention – ‘I am enough, and I can be better’, the understanding that through having the courage to be kind to myself, I can see myself more clearly because it’s safe for me to do so.  When I can see myself more clearly, I am better able to discern the learning from the experience and what I can do to prevent suffering for myself and others in the future.  It’s also safer for me to take risks and try new things because even if I fail (and inevitably I will from time to time) I know that I am still enough and that this is just part of the process, because nobody is perfect. 

 Fundamentally it’s a question of how we relate to our vulnerability.  In “Daring Greatly”, Brené Brown remind us that vulnerability – defined as ‘the uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure we face every day’ (is) ‘not optional.  Our only choice is a question of engagement.’ 

 ‘Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.’

 ‘When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make’ (Daring Greatly p2).

I’ll leave you with probably the most important thing I’ve learned from my experience of burnout / breakdown / spiritual awakening and it’s this:  Courage, kindness and self-compassion are all interconnected, they’re intentional practices we can cultivate and they’re contagious.  The more we practice them, the more we have and the more we want to share them with others.  They are also all fundamentally essential qualities of community and connection. 

If you’re a team leader or manager working in social care, health, advocacy or related sectors,  an updated 10 week course called ‘Thriving’, is starting on the 20th April 2023.  Click here to find out more and book your place.

 I’m already looking forward to meeting you there.

To read more about the role self-compassion plays in helping us to transform overwhelm, click this link here to read my next blog post.